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Life & living it
When last we spoke I regaled you with the tale of my having sex with a guy who was pretty good looking but mostly just amazing in bed.

We haven't had sex since, and he's been extremely awkward towards me. We never really talked that much. In fact I think the only conversation we had was when he dropped me off at another guy's apartment because that guy wanted to hook up with me. But now if we're forced to talk he'll carry on small talk for a few words then turn away. I'm not putting money on us sleeping together again though I would love to.

For a few weeks before that and up until last week I went through a period where I was just feeling really dejected all the time and would rather lay in bed than do anything really. I started drinking at occasions that I knew I shouldn't, was sleeping way more than 8 hours a day, sometimes even had to hold back tears, and at work I would just play with my phone all day. I have to say the big turnaround came for me when I realized I had to start going back to church. I have paintings with Bible verses on my walls and never wanted to bring guys back to my place because of it, then realized I couldn't keep carrying on a double life like that. Last Saturday I was feeling really low as I was getting ready to go out with some friends and was thinking about how difficult it was going to be to fake happy all night until I came to this conclusion and it was like instantly the cloud was lifted. Since then I've been feeling a lot better.

I decided to give up chasing boys for Lent; kind of relates to Awkward Boy. I realized he wasn't worth the stress I was feeling over him and decided that whether it's emotional or physical until after Easter I'm not putting any effort into getting a guy.

My friend who was planning the trip to London with me seems to have bailed, but in April I'll be going to San Diego for a convention so that will be my spring break. We're supposed to compete in stuff but I hope that we don't qualify so that I can just spend the whole time wandering around San Diego. Maybe I'll just never come back.

Tomorrow we're going on a retreat for my [co-ed] fraternity. Awkward Boy will be there. I'm hoping we'll get to hook up at least one last time. If I drink enough I'll probably violate my Lenten sacrifice but I hope I won't have to. I should probably start packing.

Oh yeah, it's Valentine's Day. I had an exam in one of my classes that I probably quite literally bombed, so tonight when we had a little social event for the frat I brought some wine and drank half the bottle to drown my sorrows but still be able to drive. Feeling a little better, but that'll probably wear off when I get the test back.

Fun Fridays mean Messtastic Saturdays
I've been feeling some kind of allergy/sinus infection illness coming on for the last few days but really wanted to make it through Friday okay so that I could drink at night. When I was at work I felt miserable and was worried I wouldn't be able to, and even thought about leaving early, but I pushed through and got a marginal amount of work done despite my disposition. After I went home and slept a little I felt better and went for the whiskey.

Drunken (maybe a little whorish) adventuresCollapse )

Now I'm at home with my parents, aunt, & uncle and am going crazy listening to them have super slow conversations because they can't hear and they can't remember anything. I wish I could have stayed at school but my mom guilted me into coming home. Even though we're at our house and I want to put on PJs I'm stuck wearing this scarf to cover my hickeys. As i was doing laundry I showed my mom the dress I wore last night because she'd never seen it and she asked if I'd "found any prospects" by wearing it. I just said I hadn't met anyone new in it.

I do probably need to stop drinking so much because vomiting repeatedly in front of guys is not a good look for me. Now I think I have a full on sinus infection but at least it held off until after the party.

I got to see the boy I'm in love with for the first time in two weeks. I wanted to go in for a friendly hug and act casual about the fact that we haven't seen each other in so long but I chickened out of the hug.

Chapter was extra long because of induction and he has to stand by the door the whole time so inevitably we made eye contact a few times. I still remember one night at chapter when we were arguing about something as a chapter and it was getting quite heated; I looked over at him and he was already looking at me and made a funny face. I think that was right about the time that I blew it.

At first I was trying to look natural in wanting to talk to him for like ever afterwards but I've decided to just give that up. He was friendly as always but a little distant with me so I'm thinking maybe girlfriend does indeed exist.

He opened himself up for me to scream OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU at him at one point but I didn't think of it until later. Right now is the time when all the brothers are "shopping" for littles, and when all of the new pledges were in the room he was trying to encourage me to go hunt for one but of course I'd rather stay and talk with him. But I did tell him that I'm really insecure about my little hunt because I'm worried the ones that I like will be liked by other brothers who they'll like more than me and I'll just be rejected. He said "Well if you really like them, but they like somebody else, it probably just wasn't meant to be. But you should still go for it because you never know."

At that moment I was just like uh...uh...uh... but just said "Well...I think I'd rather just not get hurt.........by a little." And he said "True" but we got cut off after that. Now I kind of wish I'd just gone ahead and said it. Next time we're together I'm just going to go for it. I don't even care what he says back; we only have 3 months of school left so I think I can deal with him rejecting me but still having to see him for 3 months and I don't want to waste time and never tell him.

We're having a party Friday that I've already secured a driver for, and I told him he better be there. If he's there I'm just going to confront him and tell him 1. he might have already heard but 2. I really like him but 3. I heard he has a girlfriend so I'm just going to leave it at that and 4. walk away. Maybe give him a hug depending on the face he's making. Just gotta spit it out and walk away and leave the rest to him.

I just hope I don't end up drunk crying again this Friday.
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Long lazy weekend
Everyone around me has been sick and I think someone gave it to me. My throat's hurting and my nose has been running a bit so I've just been lounging around my apartment for most of the weekend.

Friday we had a party for the kids who got bids from our fraternity and since I was starting to feel sick I didn't drink very much. I ran into a brother who pledged while I was inactive that I'd met in August but he never came to anything else, so he asked about the boyfriend I'd mentioned when we met and I had to tell him we'd broken up in September/October and I wasn't dating anyone. But then for some reason every time I talked to a guy at the party he would ask if that was my boyfriend.

Then later I noticed that the boy I'd gone home with last weekend was pretty much ignoring me the whole time until I'd had just enough to drink to confront him about it. He said something weird about how he needed to be sure that I got his sense of humor and I said I was just trying to be friends because to me it seems more awkward to act like nothing happened than to just be friends and move on. But in retrospect I'm over it; he can ignore me all he wants.

I went out to eat yesterday with the friend I hadn't seen since August and told him all about the guy I like but may or may not have a girlfriend and I haven't seen in like two weeks. They're friends so he said he'd try to find out what he can. I'm just a little nervous because English isn't his first language and he still struggles at it sometimes so I hope all he does is ask "do you have a girlfriend" and tell me the answer and let it go. I've also been kind of sad because back in September the guy, who's in the army, told me he was considering deployment and I told him he shouldn't (even back then I just didn't want him to get hurt or killed), but my August friend said army boy is due for some kind of army promotion and may go to the Middle East after graduation. Whether he has a girlfriend or not I don't want him to go.

I don't really get how the army works, but he told me back in September he didn't actually have to get deployed even though he was already in the army. I don't remember the logic behind it.

I had to talk to my parents on the phone today and of course my mom asked about "romantic prospects." Somehow "Well there's a guy I like but he might have a girlfriend so I went home with another boy last week but we didn't have sex but now he's acting all weird" isn't really a story I want to tell my parents. Not sure why, just kind of uncomfortable.

A random thought
I was having a conversation with a friend today who's pretty headstrong about her opinions, which aren't always correct. Sometimes are, sometimes aren't; she has about the same batting average for being right as the average person but is much more outspoken and stubborn about it.

Today we were talking about cigarettes and a friend who's worked in a convenience store who was talking about how frustrating it was to watch people come in and tell their kids they couldn't afford candy (looking like they really couldn't afford anything) but then buy themselves some cigarettes. And I said it was frustrating to watch one of my friends keep relapsing even when he was literally completely broke to the point that he couldn't afford food or gas but was still getting others to drive him to the store and paying for his own cigarettes. He and I were both saying we understand people with disposable income giving into the addiction, but since no one ever seems to enjoy smoking to me, even my addicted friends, choosing cigarettes over food is just insane. I said that it would make more sense to power through the cravings for a week and enjoy the feeling of getting to eat food again.

Then my friend claimed that the addiction to nicotine is more powerful than the addiction to heroin and that's why people can't quit. Personally, I've never been addicted to either, but I have trouble believing that. I've seen people like my friend do pretty irrational things for nicotine but nowhere near the stories I've heard about heroin addicts. Even my friend has tried to quit and will admit that the cravings only affect him for a week but has also admitted that he likes the fact that smoking seems to help him lose weight. I've seen people on nicotine withdrawals and I've seen people on caffeine withdrawals, including myself, and the caffeine withdrawals even seem worse than the nicotine withdrawals. I was laid up on the couch all weekend feeling nauseous, panicky, and sore all over when I had to stop drinking caffeine because it was causing me panic attacks whereas friends I've watched quit cigarettes and kind of just...grumpy for a day or two.

I actually knew a guy who went about quitting the exact way that I imagine I would if I were a smoker. He just stopped buying cigarettes so that he'd never have it on his person, but if he absolutely needed one he'd have to ask a friend and could wean himself off gradually, so that when he got that one he didn't have a whole pack tempting him, just that one and done.

Does anyone else have an opinion on this? I don't know if I can believe that my friend is right that the addiction itself is more powerful than heroin. I think it's just way easier to access cigarettes which is why so many people have trouble quitting, kind of the same with caffeine. You can get either one of those on any street corner any hour of the day whereas heroin takes a little more effort to procure.

Friday Friday gotta get down on Friday
Okay not yet. It's still Thursday. But close enough.

Sorry I've been a fail LJ friend and haven't really commented or anything. My internet is super slow when everyone is on it at the same time so I don't get to do fun things often.
Long entry aheadCollapse )
I'm so excited for the long weekend. I'll probably do a lot of laying in bed or something.

Well this just about might be the worst weekend ever.
Sorry for a lack of updates!

I started my new job this week which has been going swimmingly. I have to commute about an hour & a half away to get there but started carpooling with another guy who lives two minutes from me. We rode together for the first time Wednesday, and I was so nervous that we wouldn't like each other or it would be awkward but he's actually really really cool. I live in the South and whenever I hear the thick accent I worry that something political or controversial will come up and ruin my friendships, so I immediately regretted it when I was telling him I'd just learned from a friend that her grandfather came out of the closet at 76 and moved in with his boyfriend, also 76. Don't remember how it was relevant to the conversation, but immediately I was like ...maybe I shouldn't have brought that up.

But then he goes "Well I'm glad he's happy now, but it's kind of sad that he felt like had to wait so long to really be himself." and it was absolutely the sweetest thing ever said in my car. We also made fun of Taylor Swift so I think we might be besties now.

Tuesday when I went to chapter at my co-ed frat, I realized that I'm pretty much in love with a brother that I met last semester. He's always been incredibly sweet to me and has done some pretty over the top favors for me and makes me feel like everything I say is interesting. But I never really went after him because A) I was hooking up with someone else B) I kinda suspected he might be gay and C) I was kind of intimidated by how nice he was to me. Then I saw him at chapter Tuesday and literally realized that I'm basically in love with him and really should have realized it months ago.

Under a cut for your convenienceCollapse )

This is why I hate dating. The nice guys who want a relationship already have one and all that's left are the guys looking for an FWB. I was also kind of upset because when my friend first told me about the likely girlfriend I told him that that was the last thing I wanted to hear because I feel like I friendzoned him like an idiot. Then he says in a comforting tone, "Don't worry, you friendzoned a lot of people!" like that was actually going to make me feel better.

I just need an arranged marriage.

Finally home.
Just got back from a week-long trip to Orlando/Disney. Disney is always fun, but I'm so glad that the trip is over.

I really would have rather stayed home and worked on stuff to post on Etsy, but my parents probably would have flipped if I told them I didn't want to go visit my sister for Christmas.

On Christmas Day my friend and I started planning a trip to London for spring break in March which I'm pretty excited about. At first my mother tried to tell me I should stay near Atlanta during the break so I can work and said "You have all of your life to go to London." She's also almost 60 and bitches all the time about how she's never been to Europe, so I'm not taking advice from her on the subject.

My birthday is during the break so I'll get to spend my 22nd birthday in London/wherever we decide to go that day. We definitely want to visit Alnwick Castle which "played" Hogwarts and might make a day trip to Paris. I'm pretty excited about the trains/easyJet because it'll be way easier to get around on a whim and see a variety of places than in the US. You can't really be like "Okay today we're doing LA, then tomorrow is New York, then maybe Wednesday we can spend the day in Key West!"

Then the next day we had to leave for Orlando and of course my mother was driving me crazy the whole time. I was hoping at some point my parents would feel like staying in and let me spend time alone but it never happened. At one point my mother got sick and had to stay in all day so my dad and I went to see the new stuff that just opened at the Magic Kingdom. Other than sleeping and showering that's the closest I got to hanging out by myself.

The upside to vacationing with my parents is that they pay for everything, but on the downside I have to spend every waking minute with them. I decided after this vacation that I'm not making anymore trips with them unless I can travel and stay somewhere separately from them. I'm a total introvert and need time alone anyway, but with people who drive me insane that need gets turned to 11.

I talked to my ex for the first time in over a month yesterday. He was at the mall with his new girlfriend and first posted a status about how some people "say they're expressing themselves but really just look like an idiot" then posted a picture of what appeared to be a man wearing a dress, make-up, and earrings (but bald) standing in line to order food and holding some shopping bags. From the picture it didn't look like the person was acting outrageously or anything, just innocently ordering some food. At first I really wanted to say something but was worried I'd look obsessed so I asked one of my close friends to for me. My ex's response pushed me over the edge so I had to say "(s)he probably has more balls than you do." We went at it back and forth for a bit, during which I pointed out that he was a weirdo for taking a stranger's picture without permission and posting it on Facebook, then he stopped responding. After a while his friends started to Like my comments, then suddenly the notifications stopped. He deleted his Facebook entirely. At first I thought he'd blocked me and my friend but I logged out and tried to go to his URL anyway and his profile wasn't there so I can only assume he deleted it. Good riddance.

Merry Christmas

I haven't posted in a while!
mad men, rachel menken
Mostly because my life's been relatively monotonous the last couple of weeks.

I've gone to the mall a lot mostly just to walk around but kind of to shop for last minute gifts. Watched my bank account magically lose $400 as a result of all these mall adventures. I've eaten Chinese food almost every day which I think is doing a number on my digestive system.

I've been feeling a little sad because summer vacation is always my favorite time of the year after Christmas, but I keep remembering that in all likelihoo last summer was my last summer vacation. But hopefully next summer I'll be relocating to Atlanta or wherever and have an apartment to myself.

I'm starting to lose it with my mother and am dreaming of having my own place soon. She talks non-stop about the same things over and over or other things no one cares about, and when no one responds because no one cares she just keeps talking. And it's all complaining. About her job, about the house, about my dad (not divorced), about stuff on TV, etc. And most of the things she complains about are in her power to do something about (like the furniture in her room or her hairdresser) but instead she just keeps complaining. It also bothers me that she now has a therapist, but she's the least self-aware person I know so if the only perspective her therapist gets is her perspective, then it's really not going to help anything. She also tends to rant to me for an hour repeating what she told her therapist this week about how my dad disrespects her (he doesn't) or how she tries to be so positive but no one appreciates it (she doesn't) or how she wants to make changes in her life but people stop her from doing it (they don't). She went into therapy after seeing how much I liked it when I was struggling with my GAD but didn't seem to get that the reason I did it is because the things I needed to talk to someone about were things that only someone familiar with anxiety disorders would understand. I didn't want to be able to rant for an hour each week, I was just tired of hearing "Well maybe you should stop worrying so much!"

In other news, my life hit a new level of pathetic this week! I didn't drive all the way to my internship to work for six hours like I was supposed to on Wednesday because I was having really bad stomach cramps and other issues and just did not want to. So I worked from home. All my trips to the mall and other excursions during the day have been for the purposes of not letting me waste away on the internet being a creep all day, but then Wednesday I had to sit on the computer for 6 hours while I "worked." By 3pm I was Google image searching a member of One Direction. I also Youtube searched him. I think this is bottom.